I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
