my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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