I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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