I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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