I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Randomize
