Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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