Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Randomize
