Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
