Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
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