There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
