I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Boobs are out for the taking
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
