just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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