Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
