She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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