I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
