im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I got inside last night via doggy door
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
where are my eyebrows?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
