there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
