Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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