You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
