Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
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