Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I need to stop coming to work sober
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
