I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
