Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
