my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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