My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
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