The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
