I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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