I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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