My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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