Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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