There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
