I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
