please come you make the beer taste better
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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