I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
