I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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