I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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