If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
