so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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