I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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