I wish I could teleport
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
