I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
