Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
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