I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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