I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
