Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
