so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
