I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
