She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
last night I used snow as a chaser
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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