im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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