I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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