I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
soo... how was my night?
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