Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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