I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
