i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
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