I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I just forgot I was standing up.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
